If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
