My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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