Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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