How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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