Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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