Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
