Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
