So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You took a bar mat shot.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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