I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
