I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
