i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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