Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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