I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
