I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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