On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
