A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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