im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
