Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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