So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
