your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
