Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You have to summon your inner elephant
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
