There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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