everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He felt like a one man threesome
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
