i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
