I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
