He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
