I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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