is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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