i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
