he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
