sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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