C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
