If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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