Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
