All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
