I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
