Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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