im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
no, he came in my armpit
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
