Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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