Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
