He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
