11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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