apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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