Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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