A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
