I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my poor anus
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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