I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
