I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
