alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
