just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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