i think my tv is drunk
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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