im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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